


Devil in Me

by Ice_Queen784



Series: Devil in Me [2]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Post-Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:40:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25739707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Queen784/pseuds/Ice_Queen784
Summary: I don’t wanna wake it upI don’t wanna wake it upI don’t wanna wake it upThe devil in me
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons (mentioned), Melinda May & Jemma Simmons, Phil Coulson/Melinda May (mentioned)
Series: Devil in Me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850731
Kudos: 7





	1. Devil in Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the longest chapter of any fic I've ever written, so settle in :)
> 
> Based on Devil in Me by Halsey

**Jemma’s POV**

_ You said I would’ve hit the ceiling _

_ You said I  _

_ You said I should eat my feelings _

_ Head held high _

Jemma walked off the Zephyr with Daisy, Piper, and Davis. Mack and May were there at the hanger to greet them with hugs. She wasn’t particularly looking forward to being back on Earth. She wanted to keep searching for Fitz. Here, she had to face the reality that he was dead. But she comforted herself with the fact that they were only coming back to refuel. Tomorrow, they would be in space again.

She and Daisy followed Mack and May back to his office, where they gave him a briefing of their progress in finding Fitz, which was unfortunately still not much. Afterwards, she started to leave the office with Daisy, but Mack stopped her.

“Jemma, hold on a minute.” He called. “We have something we need to discuss with you.” 

She felt her stomach drop. Whatever this was, she had a feeling it wasn’t good. But she sat back down anyway.

Mack turned to May and motioned for her to speak.

“We’ve been tracking a couple of people in New York City that we believe are connected to Hydra, or whatever’s left of it.” She explained. “I’m going undercover for a while, and I want you to come with me.”

“Why me?” 

“We believe they’re harboring some kind of biological weapon. I’m just a spy, not a biochemist, so it would be very helpful to have you with me.”

“But this mission could take weeks.” Jemma argued. “Weeks that I should be spending looking for Fitz.”

“I know.” May replied. “But Mack and I spent a lot of time discussing this, and it took some convincing for him to think it was a good idea to send the two of us. But he agreed, so I’m really hoping you will too.”

“Fine.” She sighed. “I’ll do it.”

“Great.” She smiled. “We leave tomorrow.”

Jemma left the office feeling an intense dread. How was she supposed to go on a mission with May for weeks with everything going on? She would have to keep her grief and worry completely suppressed. At least when she had been in space, she could channel it into the mission to find Fitz. But here, what was she supposed to do? 

She had spent her whole life trying to keep her traumas and her emotions locked away in her box, like her father had taught her. But the more traumas she experienced, the harder it was to keep the monster inside her locked away. And at this point, she wasn’t sure how she was going to get through this undercover mission without the box opening. 

She didn’t want to unleash all of that on May and ruin her mission. She would just have to put another lock on the box and keep it hidden even deeper, so she could keep her head held high and pretend her emotions didn’t exist. 

_ I won’t take anyone down if I crawl tonight _

_ But I still let everyone down when I change in size _

_ And I went tumbling down tryna reach your high _

_ But I scream too loud if I speak my mind  _

Jemma was awoken the next morning by a knock on the door of her bunk. The same bunk she used to share with Fitz. Being here made it even harder, because she knew that he should be here with her. Holding her. But he wasn’t. And he might never be again.

“Simmons,” May called. “Are you up?”

“I am now.” She replied.

“Good. Meet me in the hangar in five.”

She dragged herself out of bed and put on the first outfit she grabbed. All her clothes were already in a suitcase from her mission with Daisy, so at least she wouldn’t have to pack for this. She walked out of her bunk and down the hallway, sadly dragging her suitcase behind her. May was already waiting for her when she got to the hangar. 

“Ready to go?” May asked her.

Jemma nodded silently, forcing a smile. Her heart felt heavy as she climbed in the passenger’s seat. She should be boarding the Zephyr to search for Fitz again, not going on an undercover mission with May that could last for weeks. 

They sat in silence for a long time as May drove. May had never been much for talking, and since Fitz died, Jemma hadn’t been either. But eventually, she decided she had to say something. She just couldn’t take the silence anymore. 

“So, where will we be staying?” She asked, probably sounding uninterested. 

“We managed to actually rent an apartment in the same building as the couple we’re tracking.” May explained. “Right down the hall actually. That rarely happens, but a lot of apartments were suddenly vacated recently.” 

“What’s our cover?”

“I was thinking that you could be my adopted daughter.” She suggested. “We both lost our husbands in the snap, so we moved in together.”

“Isn’t that a little too on the nose?” Jemma questioned. 

“The more real a cover feels, the easier it is to maintain.” May pointed out. 

She realized that May might have had another reason for choosing her for this mission. She was the only one on the team who truly understood what she was going through. May had recently lost the love of her life too. 

On their last refueling stop, May had just returned from Tahiti without Coulson. Piper remarked that she couldn’t imagine how she felt. But Jemma could. She knew what it was like to be a widow. 

They arrived in the city late in the afternoon and went straight to their apartment. It was already furnished, but it didn’t feel like a home. 

“We’ll need to go shopping for food and clothes tomorrow.” May told her. “We could get some decorations too, if you’d like to liven the place up a bit.” 

Jemma just nodded.

“Would you like to order a pizza for dinner?” May asked.

“Sure.” She shrugged. 

She sat down on the couch in silence while May ordered a vegetarian pizza and a pepperoni one. Neither of them said anything while they waited for the pizzas to arrive, or while they ate. Jemma barely picked at her food.

She didn’t feel like eating. She didn’t feel like staying in this apartment, or in New York City. She didn’t feel like being on this mission. Right now, she just felt like retreating into her head and becoming a child who could hide from her demons in the safety of her own bedroom. She wouldn’t be hurting anything if she did that tonight. But she knew she couldn’t. She would still be letting May down. She was still on a mission, and she needed to stay focused. She wasn’t the only one grieving, but she was the only one letting grief consume her. 

“Are you okay?” May asked her.

She started to reply, but didn’t. If she said yes, May would know she was lying. But she didn’t even know how to begin to tell the truth. She was afraid all she could do was scream or cry. So she said nothing. 

Instead, she threw away her half-eaten slice of pizza and went to the bathroom to throw the other half back up. 

_ I don’t wanna wake it up _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up _

_ The devil in me  _

That night, Jemma couldn’t sleep. And it wasn’t because she was sleeping on the couch because they didn’t have sheets for the beds yet. She was afraid of what she would see when she closed her eyes.

She had always kept her fears, demons, and darkest thoughts locked away in her music box. But she could feel the box coming open in her mind. She was afraid that if she fell asleep, the traumas of her life would appear in her dreams, along with the monster they had created. She was even more afraid that when she woke up, they would come with her. That the monster inside her would come alive.

She didn’t want to wake her up. She couldn’t risk it. She had to keep her locked away inside her box. It would be far too dangerous to let her out. She could seriously hurt someone. She could hurt May. 

Jemma didn’t want to do that. May had become like a mother to her. She would never be able to forgive herself if she snapped and hurt her, or worse. She had to keep the devil inside her locked away. 

She got up and started pacing around the room, being careful not to step on May, who was sleeping on the floor. But she woke her anyway.

“Simmons?” She called. “Is that you?”

“Yeah.” She replied. “I can’t sleep.”

“Do you want a cup of tea or something?” May offered. “I have some. That might help you sleep.”

“No. You don’t understand. I can’t let myself fall asleep.”

“What do you mean?” She sat up. “Have you been having nightmares?”

“I can’t fall asleep, because when I wake up, I can’t…,” she trailed off. There was no way she could explain this without sounding insane.

“You can’t what?” 

“I-, I can’t bear to wake up without Fitz.” She lied, although it wasn’t a complete lie. It just wasn’t the reason she couldn’t sleep.

May nodded sadly.

“I know. It’s hard waking up without Phil.” She admitted.

Jemma didn’t reply. She just started crying. 

“Come here, Jemma.” She told her. She nodded and sat down beside May, who took her in her arms. “Let’s lay down.”

She nodded and laid down with May. It felt a little odd to be cuddled up with her like this, but it was also comforting. And she was able to cry herself to sleep in her arms.

_ I don’t wanna wake it up _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ The devil in me  _

Jemma tried her best the next day to focus on the mission. To keep her fears and emotions inside of her. To keep things compartmentalized, like her father had taught her. To keep the devil inside her locked in her box.

And she was doing pretty well. It helped that the mission wasn’t very stressful yet. She would be spending most of the day shopping with May. They had already bugged the suspects’ apartment that morning. Their real work would start the next day.

“I think this would look cute on you.” May remarked, gesturing at an outfit in a shop window.

It had black ripped jeans and a leather jacket, with a dark purple shirt underneath. The mannequin also wore black combat boots.

“It looks like something you would wear.” May raised an eyebrow. “Not that that’s a bad thing. You look really good in outfits like that. It’s just not my style.”

“Come on, live a little.”

“I think I’ve lived quite a bit, thank you very much.” She retorted. “But I’ll try it on. If you try on that dress.”

She pointed to a pink flowy dress with flowers on it. May glared at it. But she knew she wouldn’t turn down this challenge.

“Fine.” She agreed.

They walked inside the store and found the pieces of their respective outfits. She couldn’t help but smile when she saw the look of disgust as May grabbed the dress off the rack.

“I think you’ll need some shoes to go with that as well.” Jemma teased.

“As long as they’re flats.”

“No promises. The mannequin had a pair of wedges that I think are perfect for that dress.”

May rolled her eyes, but followed her to the shoe section anyway. She raised an eyebrow when she handed her the pair of wedges.

“How do you know my shoe size?” She asked.

“Oh, come on May, give me some credit. I may not be a super spy like you, but I still notice things.”

“You’re a better spy than you give yourself credit for.”

“I learned from the best.” 

The rest of the day passed much the same way. Jemma and May went all over, shopping and eating and talking like everything was normal. And yes, they did buy the outfits from that store.

But as easy as it was to pretend like everything was fine, deep down, she couldn’t quite forget that it wasn’t. This might be a normal mission like something they would’ve done during the early days of the team, it wasn’t. That team was long gone. She, May, and Daisy were all that was left of it. And they had all changed a lot since then. 

It was already pretty late when they got back to the apartment. They put their groceries away, then made the beds with the new sheets and comforters they bought. 

“We can finish decorating in the morning, before we start the real work for this mission.” May told her as she helped her. 

Jemma nodded. 

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine.” Jemma assured her. 

“You’re not fine. Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m fine.” She insisted. “What about you?”

“I’m okay, Simmons.” 

She knew May was just as bad about suppressing her emotions as she was. She wasn’t okay. There was no way she could be after losing Coulson. But Jemma didn’t want to press her. 

“Goodnight, May.”

“Goodnight.”

May left her room and Jemma crawled into bed. She didn’t feel like sleeping, but she also knew she had to. She couldn’t risk compromising the mission by refusing to sleep and exhausting herself. 

So she turned out the lights and let her nightmares and demons consume her. 

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up _

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up _

_ Gotta wake up _

_ Come back to life  _

The next morning, Jemma sat at the kitchen table with May, reviewing what they knew about the couple over some tea.

“We’re tracking Alyssa and Nicholas Turner.” May explained, looking at pictures of them on the tablet. “They were scientists at Cybertek who had ties to Hydra long before the uprising. They’ve managed to stay off our radar and evade capture until a couple of months ago. There was suspicious activity involving a possible biological weapon at a warehouse in New Jersey. SHIELD started investigating, and we were able to connect it to the couple we now live down the hall from.”

“So how exactly are we going to track them?” Jemma asked. “Besides bugging their apartment, I mean.”

“How do you feel about going undercover?”

“We’re already undercover.”

“I mean at the warehouse.” She elaborated. “Their company is called Turner Labs and they run it out of the warehouse. We were hoping that you would be able to get a job as a scientist there, being a biochemist and all.”

“I would be fine with that, but I can’t just walk in there and ask for a job, can I?”

“They have a job opening right now. It seems they’re down an employee.”

“And what happened to said employee?” She questioned.

“We’re not sure, but we think he might’ve been killed.” Jemma’s eyes widened. “Don’t worry. You won’t get killed. I trained you better than that. And you can always call me in for backup if something goes wrong. So do you think you’re up for it?”

“Yeah, of course.” 

It wasn’t like she really had another choice.

“Good. Your interview is this afternoon.” She opened her purse. “You’re gonna need this.”

She handed her a New York driver’s license.

“Jessica Moore? Is that my name now?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “And I’m Angela Moore.”

“To everyone else. To me, I guess you’re Mum now.”

May actually smiled a little, but Jemma would never dare point it out. 

They spent the morning getting her backstory straight for her interview while they finished decorating the apartment. She wasn’t too worried about the job itself. She was quite possibly the most qualified person on Earth to do it. She was a little worried about slipping up and forgetting her cover, but she figured if she could keep her cover at Hydra for months, she could do this. But what she was really worried about was letting her repressed emotions get the best of her and fucking everything up.

She knew she had to snap out of it. She had to lock the music box and bury it so far down in her mind that her demons could never find their way to the surface. She had to figure out how to wake up from her perpetual living nightmare. She had to be a functioning human being. She only wished it was really that simple.

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up  _

_ Come back to life  _

A week went by. Jemma had easily gotten the job at Turner Labs, and no one seemed to question her identity. But she was questioning her own identity. She wasn’t sure who she was anymore. Honestly, she wasn’t sure who she had ever been. Which she supposed should make it easier to become Jessica Moore when she was at work. It should make it easier for her to erase herself and keep her past and her emotions suppressed. But it didn’t.

The monster inside her was escaping her box. Everyday, she crawled closer and closer to the surface. It was only a matter of time before she broke out and she snapped. She could seriously hurt herself or someone else. She could kill someone. 

“Jessica,” a voice startled her. Without thinking, she grabbed a small knife from her desk and raised it at whoever it was. “Woah, woah, woah, it’s just me. What’s wrong with you?”

Jemma set the knife down and took a breath, trying to clear her mind. It was just Alyssa Turner. She wasn’t here to hurt her. Not yet anyway.

“You just scared me, is all.” She explained awkwardly. “I didn’t see you there.”

“Do you threaten to stab everyone who startles you?” Alyssa questioned.

“No, I’m sorry.” She sighed. “I’ve just been on edge since my husband passed away.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” She told her. “I had no idea. What happened, if I may ask? Did he get blipped?”

“Yeah.” Jemma nodded sadly. “I don’t really like to talk about it. I’ve just been trying to focus on my work. Science has gotten me through everything else in life, and it will get me through this as well.”

Alyssa nodded.

“Well, speaking of science, if you’d come with me, I have something I’d like to show you. I think we’re close to a real breakthrough here, and we could really use your eyes on this.”

Jemma followed Alyssa to the room in the back where they kept the machine. She had discovered that it was supposed to create an effect on humans similar to the effect that terrigenesis had on Inhumans. They had tested it on several subjects with less than ideal results. But once they got it working, they wanted to find a way to unleash it on the city and turn as many people as possible, presumably to create an army of powered people. 

Alyssa and Nicholas were having Jemma study how it worked and what they could do to improve it. Jemma was taking home this information to May, who was looking into other people with ties to this program, to see who was funding it and if Hydra was actually involved. If they were, they were going to need backup.

“We’ve added some new ingredients to the mixture in the machine that we think should make it work.” Nicholas told her excitedly when they entered the room. “Including Kree blood! From a real Kree!”

“Where did you get Kree blood?” Jemma asked.

“Don’t worry about that.” Nicholas replied. “What I want you to worry about is how this will help us.”

“Kree blood isn’t going to do any good unless you have terrigen.” She replied. “And even if you got a hold of terrigen, it’s not going to work like you want it to. People have tried to recreate the original Kree experiment before, and the results were unfortunate to say the least.”

“We’re well aware of the experiments that Hive and Holden Radcliffe tried.” Alyssa said. “But we’re using a completely different method. And we’re not trying to turn humans into Inhumans. We’re trying to give them inhuman powers without turning them.”

“We already have a volunteer for this trial.” Nicholas informed her.

“You want to try this today?”

“Yes. And we wanted you to see it. We want you to be able to offer ideas and improvements in person, and not just from a report.”

She sighed and nodded, feeling like she had no other choice but to go along with it. 

The so-called volunteer they brought in was in handcuffs. She would’ve asked where they got him if she thought they would give her a straight answer.

The man was strapped into the machine and hooked up to it. The chemical mixture was administered via some sort of gas mask. At first it seemed to suffocate the victim, and after a few moments of panic, he went still. Then he woke up again.

He let out a blood curdling scream. He stood up, ripping off the mask and restraints. What was left underneath horrified Jemma. The flesh around his nose and mouth was melting off his face, and his eyes seemed to be puddles dripping out of his eye sockets. The man began clawing at his face as he stumbled around the room, screaming in pain and terror. 

“That’s enough!” Nicholas called.

One of the guards pulled out a gun and shot the man in the head. Jemma felt sick to her stomach.

“Has this been the result of every test?” She asked, unable to hide her horror.

“No, but the others haven’t been much better.” Alyssa answered. “We just can’t seem to get the formula right.”

“Give me a full list of everything you put in that mixture.” Jemma demanded. “There are clearly some ingredients that need to be taken out.”

“I’ll have one brought to you.” Alyssa agreed. “Perhaps you can help us develop a new formula.”

Jemma nodded.

When she left the room, she fought the urge to run to the nearest trash can and throw up. She had to remain calm. And she would have to get used to seeing things like that. This mission would likely require her to witness several more experiments before they could bring down this operation.

She wasn’t sure if she could handle it. But lucky for her, there was a monster inside her who could. 

**May’s POV**

_ You said I’m too much to handle _

_ You said I  _

_ Shine too bright, I burnt the candle _

_ Flew too high  _

Melinda sat at the kitchen table, watching camera footage of Alicia and Nicholas from the night before. Jemma was Turner Labs, watching them torture people for a living. She felt awful about making her do that. If she had known what the Turners were really doing, she wouldn’t have had Jemma come here. The poor girl had been through enough without adding this to the list.

What the hell had made her think this would be an easy mission? That it would feel like old times with the team again? It would never be like that again. Too much had happened. And the man who had put that team together was gone forever.

It still hurt so much to think about Phil. And she guessed it always would. She had loved him more than anyone else in the world. And waking up to find him dead beside her had been the worst morning of her life. 

When she came back from Tahiti, she tried to put on a brave face. But in private, she sobbed for hours. She cried herself to sleep every night for a week. Sometimes, she still did. 

She tried her best to keep her mind off of him. She wrote down anything Alicia and Nicholas said that she thought might be important. She had to focus on the mission.

She’d never had this much trouble before. She had always hated undercover, but it had come naturally to her. She was good at compartmentalizing. But she’d always had Phil with her before. Without him, a part of her was missing. 

Her phone rang, snapping her out of her thoughts. It was Jemma.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey, Mum,” Jemma replied. 

Melinda knew that she was only calling her ‘mum’ because her coworkers could hear her. But hearing her say it still warmed her heart every time she said it. She had often fantasized about having a daughter with Phil. She had never gotten the chance to make that dream come true. But with Jemma, she finally had the opportunity to be a mom. She might not be Phil’s daughter, but she could still be hers. 

“What’s up?” Melinda asked.

“Can you come pick me up?”

“Is something wrong?”

“I just got sick is all.” She explained. “Alicia told me to leave early.”

“I’ll be right there, honey.” 

As she left, she heard a voice in her head telling her that she wouldn’t be able to do this. She wouldn’t succeed in this mission. She was past her prime, and she wasn’t strong enough anymore. 

Her emotions, her grief, had become too much to handle. And projecting all of that onto Jemma wouldn’t do anything but damage the girl further. She never should’ve gone on this mission. She should’ve had Mack send someone else. But it was too late now.

_ I won’t take anyone down if I crawl tonight _

_ But I still let everyone down when I change in size  _

_ And I went tumbling down tryna reach your high _

_ But I scream too loud when I speak my mind  _

When Melinda parked in front of the warehouse that Turner Labs was run out of, Jemma came rushing out almost immediately, a paper bag in her hands.

“Jemma, what the hell happened?” Melinda asked her when she got in the car.

“I think it was just a reaction to the combination of chemicals I was exposed to today.” She replied casually.

“They weren’t experimenting on you, were they?” 

“No, I was just examining their formula more closely. I think the fumes from it just made me sick.”

She let out a sigh of relief. If she had found out they were experimenting on Jemma, she would’ve turned the car around and killed Alyssa and Nicholas right then, the investigation be damned. 

When they got back to the apartment, Jemma ran to the bathroom. Melinda followed her and held her hair back while she threw up. 

“You don’t have to take care of me like this.” Jemma said when she finished. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know.” She replied. “But I want to.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I care about you.” 

She opened her mouth to reply, but instead, she threw up again. When she was finally done, Melinda helped her clean up before helping her settle into bed. 

“Thank you.” Jemma told her.

“You’re welcome.”

Melinda left her alone and went out to the kitchen. She sat back down at the table, feeling like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. It was hard to focus on the mission when there were so many voices in her head trying to steal her attention. 

Part of her just wanted to shut down. But she couldn’t. With Phil gone, she felt like all the responsibility to take care of the team was on her. They were all like family to her, whether they realized it or not. And it was her job to look out for them. To make sure they were alright. 

There was no time for her to look after her own mental health, not that she had ever done that anyway. She had tried, but there was too much she didn’t want to deal with. She was forced to face her demons every day. She didn’t want to dwell on them. And she didn’t want to talk about them to anyone. She was afraid to. She was afraid that if she tried to speak, she would just scream or sob. And she might never be able to stop.

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ The devil in me  _

That night, Melinda had a nightmare about Bahrain. It had been awhile since she’d dreamt about it. Phil had always been there to help her through them before. But now, she had no one.

She didn’t want the dream to linger in her mind when she woke up. She didn’t want to see the girl’s face. Hear the gunshot. Feel the girl’s life drain away in her arms. She didn’t want to carry that around with her more than she already did. But she knew she would.

She woke up at five and tried to do her morning routine as usual. She tried to block the memories and the nightmares. Normally, she was good at that. But today, there was a voice in her head that stayed with her.

The voice somehow sounded like Phil. Usually, that would be comforting. But right now, the voice was reminding her of Bahrain. He told her that what happened was her fault. It was because she failed. She could’ve saved that girl, but she killed her because she was a monster. 

She shook her head. Phil would never say anything like that to her. He had understood why she’d made the decision she did. He helped her through the aftermath when no one else could get through to her. And he never gave up on saving her, even when she didn’t think she was worth saving. Because he loved her. 

She started to cry. What the hell was wrong with her? She couldn’t afford to lose her mind now. She couldn’t afford to compromise the mission because she couldn’t keep her shit together. She needed to get a grip. Or else the real devil in her could come out.

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ I don’t wanna wake it up  _

_ The devil in me  _

Melinda tried to focus on watching the camera footage from Alicia and Nicholas’s apartment while Jemma was at work. But the voice in her head wouldn’t leave her alone. It was driving her insane.

It still told her that she was a monster. But it wasn’t just about Bahrain anymore. It was about everything. And it still sounded like Phil. He told her that she wasn’t good enough for him. That he’d let himself die because he didn’t want to be with her. That it was her fault he was dead. 

She started sobbing again. 

“It’s not true.” She cried to no one.

She really was losing her mind. Phil wouldn’t say any of those things to her. They weren’t true. He loved her. She had done everything she could to try and save him. It had just been his time to go. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by a call from Jemma. She wiped her tears and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mum, I was wondering if you would be free for dinner tonight?” She asked. “Alyssa and Nicholas invited me to a restaurant and said I could bring someone, and you’re the only person I have because my life is depressing.”

“Of course I can go.” She replied. This was a perfect opportunity to find out more about the Turners.

“Great.” Jemma paused for a moment. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Melinda lied.

“You sound like you’re crying.” 

“I’m okay, Jemma.”

“No, you’re not.” Jemma replied. “I’m coming home for lunch. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Melinda sighed, knowing there was nothing she could say to stop her. 

Jemma arrived back at the apartment about twenty minutes later. Melinda had done a decent job of composing herself, but she knew the younger agent would still have questions. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?” She demanded as she sat down across from her.

“I was just thinking about Phil.” It was only a half-lie.

Jemma nodded in understanding.

“I think about Fitz a lot.” She replied sadly.

“Do you ever hear his voice?” Melinda asked her.

“All the time.” 

“Does he tell you things he would never have really said to you?”

“May, is that what this is about?” She questioned. “What do you hear him say?”

“He told me that I killed that girl in Bahrain because I’m a monster. And that everything that’s happened since then was my fault.”

Jemma reached across the table and grabbed her hands. 

“Coulson never ever would’ve said anything like that to you. He wouldn’t have even thought it. Because it’s not true.” 

A moment of silence passed before Melinda spoke again.

“What do you hear Fitz say to you?”

“Nothing important.” She shrugged.

Melinda knew she was lying. Part of her wanted to press her further, but she didn’t. Instead, she got up and grabbed some leftover spaghetti from the fridge to heat up for lunch.

She would never admit it, but it talking to Jemma had made her feel a little better. It was slightly reassuring. But the voice didn’t go away. She would just have to try to tune it out. To remind herself that Phil would never say those things to her. Even if they were true. Even if the devil inside her was very real. Even if she was in danger of waking it up. 

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up  _

_ Come back to life  _

Melinda and Jemma took the subway into downtown Manhattan, to a fairly nice Italian restaurant. It wasn’t too far from Time Square, and she knew they would be late if they drove there and got caught in New York traffic. So they took the crowded, smelly subway instead.

“Thanks for coming with me tonight.” Jemma told her as they sat on the train.

“No problem.” Melinda replied. “I could never turn down the chance to meet your bosses in person.”

“It is a perfect opportunity.” She remarked. “Plus, we should get a decent meal out of it.”

“What, tired of my cooking?” She teased. 

“No, no, that’s not what I meant.” The younger woman replied quickly. “You’re a great cook.”

She laughed. 

“I know what you meant.” 

The train finally slowed to a stop and Melinda and Jemma stood up. She grabbed her pretend daughter’s hand as they walked through the crowd, just to make sure she wouldn’t somehow lose her. 

They walked the few blocks to the restaurant, where they were taken to the table Alyssa and Nicholas were sitting at. She had spent a lot of time creeping on them lately, but she smiled as though she had never seen them before when she sat down.

“Glad to see you made it, Jessica.” Alyssa remarked. “This must be your mother.”

“Call me Angela.” Melinda told them. “It’s nice to meet you. Jessica speaks very highly of you.”

“She’s been wonderful to work with.” Nicholas replied. “Your daughter is a brilliant scientist.”

“I know.” She turned to Jemma and gave her a genuine smile. “I’m very proud of her.”

“Thanks, Mum.” Jemma blushed. 

“Speaking of which, how old were you when she adopted you?” Alyssa asked.

“I was thirteen.” She answered. “My parents moved to the States from England when I was seven, but my mother died of breast cancer when I was ten, and my father died in a car accident when I was eleven. I ended up in the foster care system, but I got lucky. The first home I was put in was Angela’s.”

“I knew from the moment I met her that she was meant to be my daughter.” May added. “Adoption was a long process, but it was well worth it.” 

“Well, I’m certainly glad things worked out the way they did.” Nicholas replied. “You raised a brilliant young woman. She’s been a real asset to our operation.”

“Speaking of which, what exactly is it you do?” She asked, pretending to be clueless. “Jessica doesn’t tell me much about her work.”

“We can’t really disclose anything.” Alyssa answered. “We’re keeping our project under wraps for now. But someday, we think we’re going to change the world.”

Melinda smiled and nodded. Alyssa and Nicholas exchanged a strange look.

“Actually, we were wondering if perhaps you’d like to help us change it.” Nicholas told her. “We’re looking for volunteers, and you seem like a perfect fit.”

“Volunteers to do what?” Melinda questioned.

“To change the world.” Alyssa repeated. “To transform humanity into something greater.”

Melinda turned to Jemma, who suddenly looked like she might vomit. And she knew exactly why. 

“What do you think?” She asked her.

“I, um, I think that she could be a good fit.” Jemma answered hesitantly. “But I think we should take some time to think this over.”

“How committed are you to our cause, Jessica?” Alyssa questioned.

“I’m 100 percent committed.” She replied. “But I think that the two of us should take some time to talk about this. It’s a big decision.”

“Very well.” Nicholas agreed. “But I want your answer by Monday.”

Today was Friday, which gave them the weekend to decide. But Melinda had already made up her mind. 

The two of them were silent on the ride back to the apartment. But she knew what was coming as soon as they got inside.

“You can’t do this, May.” Jemma said. “They’re desperate for volunteers because they already killed all their prisoners. You can’t let them experiment on you.”

“This could be the perfect chance for me to get inside.” Melinda argued. “I could find out where they’re getting the prisoners. Maybe I could even get some information on who’s funding them, or if they have connections to any remnants of Hydra.”

“It’s a suicide mission and you know it.” She retorted. “It doesn’t matter what information you get if you’re dead.”

“I won’t die.” 

“Everyone else has. And you won’t be any different.”

“Maybe not. But I have to do this.” Melinda insisted.

“You know, I miss Fitz as much as you miss Coulson, but I’m not going to kill myself to get back to him.” 

“And spending months in space on the slim chance you’ll find Fitz isn’t a suicide mission?” She shot back. “At least I’m not taking everyone else down with me.”

Jemma started to cry. Melinda sighed.

“I’m sorry.” She told her. “I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.” She replied. “I’m sorry too. I just can’t lose you.”

Jemma hugged her tightly. Melinda ran a comforting hand through her hair as she cried into her shoulder. 

“You won’t lose me.” She whispered. “I promise.”

She didn’t feel she had any choice but to take Alyssa and Nicholas up on their offer. But she had to be careful about it. She couldn’t just sacrifice herself like that. Phil wouldn’t want that. 

She had to learn how to function without him. She needed to wake up from her grief-induced nightmare and come to terms with reality. She needed to come back to life. Her team still needed her. And she couldn’t let them down.

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up  _

_ Come back to life  _

Melinda had a hard time sleeping that night. She couldn’t stop thinking. It was a decision that she needed to take seriously. She couldn’t just volunteer to be their sick science experiment just on the off chance she might get some useful information before she died. There had to be a better way than this. But she couldn’t think of one.

She wondered what Phil would have to say about this. Obviously, he wouldn’t want her to take this much of a risk. But he would understand that she had to, wouldn’t he? Or would he tell her she was doing the same thing she yelled at him for doing when they got back from the future? Would he think she was acting like she had a death wish?

She didn’t have a death wish. She didn’t want to die. Although, it wouldn’t be all bad. At least she would get to be with Phil again. He would hold her in his arms again and kiss her. She started to cry at the thought of being with him again. She desperately wanted to be. But she couldn’t let that influence her decision here. 

Jemma was right. She couldn’t go on a suicide mission. But this was literally a perfect way in. And she could take care of herself once she was there. She could fight her way out if she had to. Except that would compromise Jemma’s cover. And then all their work so far would be down the drain. 

Melinda gave up on sleeping for now. She went out to the kitchen and started some tea. She sat down at the table while she waited for it to brew and opened her laptop to check the feed from Alyssa and Nicholas’s apartment. There was nothing new. They were both in bed asleep like most people were at this hour.

“May?” Jemma called, walking into the kitchen. “What are you doing up?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” She replied. 

“Me either.” 

“I’m making tea, if you want some.”

“That would be nice, thanks.”

Melinda got up to get mugs for them.

“So do you still think you want to take Alyssa and Nicholas up on their offer?” Jemma asked her.

“I don’t know.” She replied. 

“Maybe we should call Mack in the morning.” The younger woman suggested. “See what he thinks about it.”

“You’re only suggesting that because he’ll agree with you.” 

“He’ll agree with me because I’m right, May. This is too big of a risk.”

“It is.” She agreed. “But it might be a risk I have to take.”

Melinda knew deep down that she could handle whatever happened to her. She was stronger than the people Alyssa and Nicholas had experimented on before. She wasn’t just some prisoner. She was a fighter. A warrior. An Agent of SHIELD, and one of the best the organization had ever had. If she could wield the berserker staff, she could do this.

Besides, Jemma had been tweaking the formula to make it less deadly, so the chances of it killing her were already going down. And if it did kill her, then so be it. She wasn’t afraid of death anymore. She was more than willing to sacrifice herself for the mission. A sacrifice might finally allow her to repent for her sins.

She’d heard Jemma describe what had happened to some of the other people who had gone through the experiment. The kinds of monsters they had turned into before they died or were put down. But no chemical could turn her into a monster. She already was one.

**Jemma’s POV**

_ Now I gotta wake it up _

_ Now I gotta wake it up  _

_ Now I gotta wake it up  _

_ The devil in me  _

Jemma couldn’t believe May was actually going to do this. Her mind was made up. There was no talking her out of this, even if it was objectively stupid. She had refused to even call Mack and ask him, because she knew he would order her not to do it. 

“Angela, glad to see you made it.” Nicholas remarked as they walked in.

“Are you excited to change the world?” Alyssa asked.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” May replied.

Jemma had felt a sense of dread inside her since she woke up this morning. But it intensified rapidly as she and May followed them downstairs to where they kept their prisoners. They ran some tests on their subjects before they plugged them into the machine. 

She couldn’t believe she was about to let them do this to May. There were many times over the past five years where it had felt like she and Daisy were as close as she had to family. No matter what was going on, May and Daisy had been there for her, even when Fitz couldn’t be. If something happened to her, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself. 

She hugged May tightly before they led her in the cell, feeling tears well up in her eyes. 

“I love you.” She told her.

“I love you too.” May replied, sounding a little taken aback. 

“This is very touching.” Nicholas interrupted them. “But I think it’s time to get started.”

“Jessica, can you go up to the lab and take another look at the formula?” Alyssa requested. 

“Shouldn’t I stay down here?” She questioned. “You’re doing tests on my mother.”

“Exactly.” She replied. “You want the formula to be as good as possible before we inject her with it, don’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Well there’s no better scientist than you to make sure that it’s perfect.”

May gave her a small nod, and Jemma sighed and went back to her lab upstairs. She sat down at her desk and pulled out the vial containing the formula she had redesigned. It hadn’t been tested on anyone yet, and she hated that May was going to be the first. She hated that she’d had to help the Turners with their formula at all. That she was helping them murder people. She tried to comfort herself with the thought that it was better to help them kill a few people than to help them destroy the world if they were to succeed. But that reasoning didn’t work when it was May they were killing. 

She absolutely hated that she had to go along with this. The thought of it made her nauseous. But May had given her no choice. There was no backing out of it now.

She would have to put her own feelings aside. This was a job for someone else. Jemma couldn’t do this, but there was a devil inside her who could. And it was time to wake her up.

**Melinda’s POV**

_ Now I gotta wake it up _

_ Now I gotta wake it up  _

_ Now I gotta wake it up  _

_ The devil in me  _

Melinda felt numb as they walked her into the lab with the machine. They had run some tests on her the day before, and she supposed she’d passed, because they were proceeding with the experiment. 

She hadn’t gotten as much information as she’d hoped, but she’d gotten some during her time in Alyssa and Nicholas’s dungeon. There had been one other prisoner down there, in the cell next to hers. His name was James. He told her that he was a prisoner of Hydra who had been handed over to the Turners. Hydra had thought he would be an asset, and now they would try to make him one, whether he wanted to or not. So she’d been able to confirm that Alyssa and Nicholas were connected to Hydra and funded by them, or whatever remained of them. From the way James talked, there weren’t many of them, but they had money. She hoped she would live to tell Jemma what she’d found. 

Jemma was already waiting for her inside. She rushed over to her and hugged her before they strapped her into the machine. 

“Please don’t die.” She whispered, sounding sad and scared.

“I won’t.” Melinda promised her. 

She could comfort herself with the thought that she would be with Phil if she died, but she couldn’t comfort Jemma with that. And she knew Phil wouldn’t want her to die. He would want her to keep living. To keep fighting. 

“Alright, let’s get started.” Nicholas announced. 

Melinda pulled away from Jemma, who looked extremely reluctant to let go. She gave her a nod that she hoped was reassuring, but knew wasn’t.

She sat down in the chair and let them strap her into it and place the mask on her face that would administer whatever drugs they were about to give her. She was glad that Jemma had gotten them to take the Kree blood out of the formula, so at least she wouldn’t be carving into the walls. But her new formula hadn’t been tested yet. So she had no idea what it would do to her. 

A man pressed a button, and a strange gas filled the mask, presumably containing the formula. At first, she felt like it was suffocating her. But that quickly passed, and she could breathe again. She didn’t feel any different yet.

“Is anything happening?” Alyssa asked. 

“I don’t feel any-,” Melinda was cut off by her body seizing.

“What’s happening?” Jemma asked, sounding panicked.

She couldn’t reply. She could feel her heart rate spiking. She had no idea what was happening to her. Suddenly, the seizing stopped. But she could feel something new flowing through her. Something she couldn’t control.

She broke out of her restraints and tried to run. One of the guards tried to stop her, and she punched him in the face. But instead of just knocking him out, she somehow snapped his neck. She froze, trying to control herself.

“What’s happening to me?” She asked.

“You’re transforming.” Nicholas told her. 

He motioned for another guard, who tried to restrain her. Without thinking, she reached for his chest and pulled out a rib. She dropped it in shock. She didn’t even know how she was doing this.

“I’m a monster.” She muttered.

“You’re transforming.” He repeated. 

She knew Nicholas was wrong. She wasn’t transforming. She had always been a monster. Her true form was just finally revealing itself.

**Jemma’s POV**

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up  _

_ Come back to life  _

Eventually they got May sedated, but only after she killed three more guards and got more freaked out after each kill. Jemma had never hated herself more than she did in this moment. May had survived, but she had given her a power she couldn’t control. A power that even Jemma didn’t understand the limits of. She didn’t know exactly what she had done to her yet, but she already knew she would never forgive herself. 

They took May back down to her cell for some testing. They took samples of her blood, which Jemma would use to test if her DNA had changed, like the DNA of Inhumans did. She doubted it, but they had to test it anyway. 

When she finished uploading the samples in the lab for testing, she went up to Alyssa and Nicholas’s office. They had wanted to speak with her, and she was hoping to convince them to let her take May home to recover. It was bad enough she let them have her here at all. She couldn’t let them keep her here. She couldn’t let them lock her up in a dungeon and turn her into some kind of attack dog. And she had no doubt in her mind that they would if she couldn’t get her out.

“You wanted to speak with me?” She questioned as she walked inside.

“Your mother woke up.” Alyssa informed her. 

“How is she doing?”

“She’s scared, but calmer than she was earlier.” She explained. “We don’t know yet if the powers we gave her lasted. We’ll have to test that later.”

“If I may, I would like to be the one to administer those tests.” Jemma suggested. “I have a lot of experience helping people learn to control new abilities. And if she’s afraid, she’ll be a lot more receptive if she’s working with someone she knows and trusts.”

“We’ll consider it.” Nicholas nodded. “Have you uploaded her blood samples for testing?”

“I have.” She replied. “We should have the results in a few hours.”

“Very good.”

They let Jemma leave for her lunch break, not that she really planned on eating. She didn’t have much of an appetite. All she felt in her stomach was an endless wave of nausea. And she knew that wouldn’t go away until she made this right.

**Melinda’s POV**

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  _

_ Gotta wake up  _

_ Come back to life  _

Melinda was already exhausted from the procedure and the testing. But later that afternoon, one of the guards dragged her back out of her cell and took her upstairs. She followed him to a large open room that looked like some kind of training facility. Alicia and Nicholas were waiting for her up there, but thankfully, so was Jemma. 

“Welcome to the training room, Angela.” Nicholas greeted her. 

“You’ll be the first to use it.” Alyssa informed her. “You’re the first one to make it this far.”

Melinda knew Alyssa meant that she was the first one to not die during the experiment. But she smiled and nodded along like she didn’t.

“Jessica requested to be the one to work with you on your powers, and given her experience working with enhanced individuals, we decided to agree.” Nicholas explained.

“We’ll leave you to it, but we will be monitoring you on the cameras, so we can get down here if something goes wrong.” Alyssa told them.

The two of them left Melinda and Jemma alone, except for a few guards.

“I don’t want to fight you.” Melinda told her. “It wouldn’t be fair. I’d hurt you.”

“That’s why you’re not fighting me.” Jemma replied. She motioned for one of the guards. “You’re fighting, uh, what’s your name?”

“Chad.” He answered, walking over to them. 

“I can’t control my power.” She warned. “I don’t even totally understand it. I could kill him.”

“Hence the training.” Jemma retorted. “I’m going to teach you how to control your powers. You seem to have gotten enhanced strength, so we can start there.”

Melinda nodded, and Chad squared up across from her. She motioned for him to make the first move. He threw a punch, which she easily dodged. Then she punched him in the stomach and sent him flying across the room. 

For a moment, she thought she’d killed him too. But eventually, he staggered to his feet.

“That was incredible.” Jemma remarked. “You’ve gained strength comparable to that of an Asgardian.”

“Remind me never to go to Asgard.” Chad replied. 

“Are you ready to go again?” Jemma asked him.

“I don’t think I have another choice.” He shrugged.

Melinda tried to remind herself that this guard was probably Hydra. Although, there was a good chance he wasn’t working for the Turners by choice. But she wasn’t going to kill him. She was calmer now than she had been earlier. That meant she would have more control over her new powers. Or at least that’s what she told herself.

Chad was only able to go one more round with her before she knocked him unconscious. Another guard was sent in, and she knocked him out after one hit. But at least neither of them were dead. She supposed that was progress.

“I think we can call this good for today.” Jemma said as the second guard was carried from the room on a stretcher. “You’ve had a stressful day. You can rest and train some more tomorrow.”

Melinda nodded, relieved. Jemma guided her over to a chair and handed her a bottle of water. A few minutes later, Alyssa and Nicholas walked into the room.

“Your new powers are very impressive, Angela.” Alyssa told her. “And you’re already gaining some control over them, which is arguably even more impressive.”

“We’ll do some more training and exploring tomorrow.” Nicholas explained. “For now, you’ll be taken back to your room to rest.”

“Actually, I was hoping I could take her home.” Jemma announced. “She’s been through something very stressful and potentially traumatic today. The best place for her to recover is in her own home, not in a cell in the basement.”

“I understand your concern, but we want to keep an eye on her here.” Nicholas replied. 

“There is no one better qualified to keep an eye on her than me.” She argued.

“We are perfectly capable of taking care of her.” Alyssa replied.

“I don’t doubt that you are, but I would feel much better keeping her with me.” She told them, clearly struggling to stay calm. “Please. She’s my mother. Let me take her home and keep an eye on her myself.”

Alyssa and Nicholas exchanged a look. Nicholas sighed.

“Fine.” He agreed. “But I want you both back here first thing in the morning and I expect you to tell us if anything unusual happens.”

“I will, I promise. Thank you.”

Melinda followed Jemma out of the building, feeling strange. Part of her felt like a different person. But she knew she wasn’t. The experiment had unleashed a darkness inside her, but that darkness had always been there. The devil inside her was finally awake. And she wasn’t sure she would be able to put her back to sleep.    
  



	2. Angel on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on Angel on Fire by Halsey

**Melinda’s POV**

_ I woke up to another mess in the living room  _

_ Broken bottles all around my feet _

_ They came again in the night under crescent moon  _

_ Didn’t wake me in my sleep  _

The next morning, Melinda woke up on the living room floor. She didn’t even know how she got there. The last thing she remembered was going to sleep in her bedroom. But somehow she had ended up here.

She felt absolutely atrocious. She had maybe the worst headache she had ever had in her life. Her whole body ached and she was completely exhausted. She didn’t even want to move, but she felt like she was about to throw up.

She stood up and started to walk to the bathroom, tripping over a bottle of something along the way. She barely managed to make it to the toilet before throwing up more than she thought she had in her stomach. When she was done, she didn’t even have enough energy to walk to the sink to clean herself up. She just collapsed on the floor.

“May, are you alright?” She heard Jemma ask.

“No.” 

“What’s wrong?” Jemma questioned, kneeling down next to her. “How are you feeling? I take it not well.”

“Imagine the worst hangover you’ve ever had and multiply it by a hundred.” She replied.

“What can I do to help?”

“Give me a whole bottle of Tylenol then help me get to bed.” Melinda told her.

“Let’s get you cleaned up first.”

Jemma helped her stand up and walk to the sink. She brushed her teeth and washed her face, before Jemma brought her a glass of water and a few Tylenol. She let the younger woman lead her out into the hallway, and looked over at the living room. Jemma stopped in her tracks.

“May, what the hell happened in here?”

The living room was a disaster. There were broken bottles on the floor, their contents in a giant puddle. The coffee table had been flipped over, as well as the trash can.

“I don’t remember doing this.” She explained. “I went to bed, but I woke up on the living room floor.”

“Do you think you did this in your sleep?”

“I must have.”

Jemma sighed.

“Let’s get you back to bed.” She told her. “We can clean this up later.”

Melinda nodded and followed Jemma back to the bedroom. She had no idea what was going on with her. All she knew was that she had no control over it. And that scared the hell out of her.

_ ‘Cause they talk and drink and laugh ‘bout things  _

_ And fall in love in my backyard  _

_ I hide and cower in the corner _

_ Conversation’s getting hard  _

Melinda woke up at noon and got dressed so Jemma could take her to the lab on her lunch break. She waited by the door, dreading going back. She knew that Alyssa and Nicholas would want to put her through more tests and training. To try to turn her into their soldier. Into their weapon. But all she wanted was to go back to normal.

Maybe Jemma had been right. She shouldn’t have done this. Sure, she had gotten some good intel, but the cost had been too great. Nothing they were doing on this mission would matter if she got turned into a weapon for Hydra. 

When Jemma arrived, Melinda followed her to the car, feeling a little afraid. Not of Alyssa and Nicholas, but of herself. Of what she might be capable of. She didn’t even know the limits of the damage she could do. And she hated not knowing. But she would trade finding out in a heartbeat if Jemma could hand her a cure. 

She spent that afternoon alternating between feeling like a lab rat and an attack dog. They ran countless tests on her, and drew so much blood she started to think they were draining her. But she recovered from the loss of blood much faster than she thought she would. Soon, she was taken to the training room. She took down a dozen men in less than an hour, and killed three of them. She hated what she had become. But Alyssa and Nicholas seemed very impressed with what they had created. 

“You’re gaining control of your powers at a remarkable speed.” Nicholas remarked. “You might even be ready for battle soon.”

“How about we celebrate our success tonight?” Alyssa suggested. “We could meet at your apartment later, and maybe go out to the courtyard.”

“Um, sure.” Jemma nodded, looking a little surprised.

“We live in the same building, right?” Alyssa questioned. “Same floor actually.”

“We do.” She answered.

“Then let’s meet at your place at seven.” Nicholas decided. 

“We’ll see you then.” Melinda agreed. 

When they got home, Melinda and Jemma hid their laptop and any other evidence that they were spying, before ordering a pizza for dinner. Technically, they had a few hours, but it wouldn’t have surprised either of them if Alyssa and Nicholas showed up early.

But they didn’t. They arrived a minute after seven, and they all left almost immediately for the courtyard. If either of the Turners had any suspicions while they were in their apartment, they didn’t show it. 

The four of them sat on chairs in the courtyard and drank some beer. They made small talk for a while, before some other people came outside. They seemed to know Alyssa and Nicholas, and soon they had joined the group. Jemma seemed to be able to make small talk with them easily, which was good, because Melinda wasn’t sure what to say to them.

“How do you know the Turners?” One of the women asked her.

What was she supposed to say? She was spying on them and somehow ended up as their experiment? 

“My daughter works for them.” Melinda explained. 

The woman nodded and went back to talking with the others. Melinda just observed. She wondered if these people were also Hydra, or if they just lived in the building. 

She tried to pay attention to the conversation as closely as she could, but it was hard. She could feel her new powers burning through her blood. She just hoped she wouldn’t lose control.

_ ‘Cause nobody seems to ask about me anymore _

_ And nobody seems to care ‘bout anything I think _

_ And nobody seems to recognize me in the crowd _

_ In the background screaming, “Everybody look at me” _

Melinda sat there in silence for what felt like hours. No one paid much attention to her, even though her supposed success was what this celebration was about. But no one even bothered to ask how she was. 

She thought about just going back inside, but she knew it would be rude. Besides, she was here to get information. And she knew how to do that without talking to people. All she had to do was watch them talk. 

She didn’t usually care if people didn’t pay attention to her. But tonight was different. She felt afraid. It was a kind of fear she hadn’t felt this intensely or this constantly since the aftermath of Bahrain. She was afraid of herself. So maybe it was for the best that people were leaving her alone. But that didn’t mean she wanted to be alone. 

_ And I’m fading away, you know, I used to be on fire _

_ And I’m fading away, you know, I used to be on fire _

_ I’m standing in the ashes of who I used to be _

_ And I’m fading away, you know, I used to be on fire  _

Melinda laid awake that night, afraid to fall asleep. Afraid that if she fell asleep, she would lose control again. She wasn’t just losing control. She was losing herself. 

This wasn’t the first time she’d lost herself. She’d lost herself after Bahrain. Phil had been there to save her then. But there was no one to save her now. Phil was gone. And she was alone.

She thought back to the woman she had been before Bahrain. She was still a great fighter and a great agent. She’d had the toughness and constitution that being a specialist required. But she had still had a sense of innocence about her. She had been happy. She had been one of the brightest rising stars in S.H.I.E.L.D., but she had burnt too bright and turned to ash.

Phil helped her recover a part of herself after she joined his team. But after his death, she’d found herself standing in her own ashes again. She didn’t know who she was anymore. She felt empty and broken. So she’d allowed herself to become the science experiment of a couple of Hydra agents. She’d intended it as a sacrifice play. In a sense, she had sacrificed herself, just not in the way she’d intended.

She didn’t know how to find herself again. So she had no choice but to burn. She just hoped that the only people who would burn down with her were Alyssa and Nicholas.

_ You know, I used to be on fire  _

_ You know, I used to be on fire, fire  _

Melinda stayed awake as long as she could. But eventually, she fell asleep. It was only for a few hours, but it was filled with nightmares. She was back in Bahrain. But this time, when Phil pulled her out, she lost control. She killed him. 

She woke up crying, standing at the kitchen counter. She knocked an empty bowl on the floor, shattering it. She sank to the floor and sobbed.

“May, what’s wrong?” Jemma asked, rushing into the kitchen and kneeling down in front of her.

“I killed him.” Melinda cried. “I killed Coulson.”

“You didn’t kill him.” She told her. “That was just a nightmare.”

“I am a nightmare.” She replied. “I could kill everyone. I could kill you.” 

“You won’t kill me. You can control this. I know you can.” 

“You don’t know me at all anymore. I’ve lost myself.”

“But you can find yourself again.”

“I can’t.” Melinda shook her head. “I don’t know how. Not without Phil.”

**Jemma’s POV**

_ I used to to be a darling starlet like a centerpiece  _

_ Had the whole world wrapped around my ring _

_ I flew too closely to the sun that’s setting in the East _

_ And now I’m melting from my wings  _

Jemma went into work that morning, still worried about May. Physically, she had adjusted well to her new powers. But mentally, it was a whole other ballgame. Had she known the emotional toll that her powers would take on her, she would’ve found a way to stop her from going through with the experiment, although she doubted that she really could’ve. Once Melinda May decided to do something, there was nothing that could stop her from doing it. 

She walked up the stairs to Alyssa and Nicholas’s office. They had asked to speak with her as soon as she got here. She wasn’t sure about what, but she was relieved that they’d allowed May to stay home today. 

“Good morning, Jessica.” Alyssa greeted her when she entered the room. “How is your mother doing today?”

“She’s doing just fine.” Jemma lied. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” Nicholas said. “Because tomorrow, we’d like to have her showcase her new abilities for some friends of ours.”

Jemma gave him a look that was a mixture of concern and confusion. 

“I think it’s time for you to meet our superiors.” Alyssa told her. 

“Your superiors?” 

“Yes.” She nodded. “Our superiors in Hydra.”

“They assigned us to give Inhuman powers to a human.” Nicholas explained. “After almost two years of failure, we have finally succeeded.” 

“Tomorrow, we’ll be meeting the Heads of Hydra for lunch, before coming back here to show them our new soldier.” Alyssa added. 

“And you want me to be there as well?”

“Of course.” Nicholas smiled. “They’re very eager to meet the brilliant young woman who made all this possible.”

“We could never have achieved this without you.”

Jemma nodded. She had no choice but to go along with this. She just hoped S.H.I.E.L.D. had crossed off any head of Hydra who might recognize her. 

She left the office and went back down to the lab, and tried to keep her mind off of worrying about May. The lab had always been where she felt the most comfortable, from the time when she was a little girl, all the way through her career as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. It was where she could forget her problems and lose herself in her work. There had been a time where she never envisioned herself working outside the lab. Never once during her time at the Academy did she think she would end up as a field agent. She hadn’t even passed her field tests, but that was okay. She was the agency’s brightest mind, and she had intended to put it to good use whilst remaining safely in the lab. 

But of course the offer to join Coulson’s team had been too exciting to resist. And now, she would never be able to go back to being the innocent, naive girl who had enrolled in the Academy at 17. She had seen too much. She had been too much. The lab was still her safe space, but the field was her home now. And she had learned to live with that. 

_ ‘Cause I’d laugh and drink and talk ‘bout things _

_ And fall in love in my backyard _

_ Now it’s my own anxiety  _

_ That makes the conversation hard  _

Jemma went home that night, feeling a little panicked. She was trying to keep her mind off tomorrow, but she just kept thinking of awful scenarios. There were a million ways the meeting could go wrong. While it could be the perfect opportunity to end this once and for all, it could also go south very easily. 

May was sitting at the kitchen table when Jemma walked in the apartment. She sat down across from her at the table and sighed. 

“I think it’s time to call in backup.” She announced. 

“Why?” May asked.

“Because this mission may be coming to an end soon.” She replied. “And by soon, I mean tomorrow.”

“What’s going on?”

“Tomorrow I have to go to a lunch meeting with the Turners and the heads of Hydra.” She explained, trying to stay calm. “And afterwards, they want you to give said heads of Hydra a demonstration of your powers.”

“We could end this tomorrow.” May told her. “We could take out the Turners and their bosses at the same time.”

“We could.” Jemma agreed. “The problem is, we have no idea who the current heads of Hydra are. And if they recognize us, our covers will be blown.”

“Then we fight our way out. If our plan is to kill them all tomorrow, then it doesn’t matter if they know who we are.” She pointed out. “We shouldn’t need backup.”

Jemma nodded, still not totally convinced. But part of her thought May might be right about this. Perhaps the two of them could end what was left of Hydra on their own. Granted, two more heads would grow back, as they always did. But that would be a problem for another mission. And now that they knew Hydra was still in play, S.H.I.E.L.D. would be able to keep a better eye on them. 

But part of her still had doubts. She trusted May. She knew that May could do whatever she had to do. But she didn’t trust herself. A year or two ago she might’ve. But not anymore. She wasn’t sure she could do this without Fitz. Honestly, she didn’t want to. But she had no choice. 

_ ‘Cause nobody seems to ask about me anymore _

_ And nobody ever cares ‘bout anything I think _

_ And nobody seems to recognize me in the crowd _

_ In the background screaming, “Everybody, look at me” _

Jemma couldn’t sleep that night. All she could think about was the mission. She didn’t need to be asleep to have nightmares. Something was going to go horribly wrong. She just knew it. And now, she couldn’t stop envisioning it.

May hadn’t listened to her when she said they should call for backup. But she hadn’t listened to her when she said she shouldn’t let the Turners experiment on her either. Apparently, May didn’t really care what she thought. No one did.

She could hear Fitz’s voice in her mind, telling her that of course no one cared what she thought. Why would they? Only he did. And she couldn’t do anything without him. Without him, she was nothing.

She knew May and Daisy would tell her that wasn’t true. And she would like to think it wasn’t. But deep down, she knew it was. That was why she needed to find Fitz. She was useless without him. And she would be the reason their mission would go south tomorrow.

_ And I’m fading away, you know, I used to be on fire _

_ And I’m fading away, you know, I used to be on fire _

_ I’m standing in the ashes of who I used to be _

_ But I’m fading away, you know, I used to be on fire  _

Jemma got up at six the next morning, having gotten maybe an hour of sleep. The sense of dread that she’d had inside her since yesterday was growing by the second. She walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea to calm her nerves. She knew it wouldn’t work, but it was something she did when she was stressed.

May was already in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, thankfully with no mess everywhere. 

“You’re up early.” May remarked.

“And you didn’t destroy the living room.” Jemma replied, sitting down next to her.

“You’re not up this early to check on me, are you?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” She admitted. “I just can’t shake the feeling that something awful is going to happen today.”

“Jemma, look at me.” May said, taking her hand. “No matter what happens today, you’re going to be fine. And whatever you need to do, I know you can do it. You’re a good agent, and an incredible woman.”

“There are some days I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself anymore.” Jemma told her.

“You’ve changed a lot.” She agreed. “But that change isn’t all bad. You’re not like me.”

“May, you’re still a good person.” She insisted. “You’re not a monster. We all have our demons to fight.”

“We do.” May nodded. “We can’t let them win.”

_ You know, I used to be on fire _

_ You know, I used to be on fire _

_ Well, I used to be on fire _

_ You know, I used to be on fire  _

Jemma sat down for lunch with Alyssa and Nicholas, at the same restaurant where she’d introduced the Turners to May. This was where they would be meeting the heads of Hydra. They hadn’t given her names, but whoever they were, they hadn’t arrived yet. Her anxiety was increasing by the second. She hoped the Turners didn’t notice. 

“Can I get you guys anything to drink?” The waitress asked, approaching their table.

“We’ll have a bottle of red wine.” Alyssa told her, gesturing to Nicholas. 

“I’ll just have water.” Jemma said.

She didn’t have the appetite for anything else. And even though alcohol might relax her nerves a bit, she needed to have a clear head for what she was about to do.

Jemma was on comms with May, who was waiting outside the Turners facility for her signal to strike. That signal being the sound of her putting bullets in the heads of Alyssa, Nicholas, and whoever else showed up. There was no extraction plan, so she would be on her own after that. But she had some ideas. 

She wasn’t particularly looking forward to taking everyone out. That wasn’t what she’d signed up for on this mission. But she reminded herself that these people were Hydra. They were evil. She was doing the world a favor. Besides, the sooner she finished this mission, the sooner she could get back to searching for Fitz. 

“They’re here.” Nicholas announced, snapping her out of her thoughts.

Jemma turned around to see who it was. Her stomach dropped. If she’d felt sick before, she thought she might die now. She didn’t think she could go through with the mission anymore. There were two people approaching the table, a man and a woman. She didn’t recognize the woman, but the man was her father. 

She sat paralyzed with shock and fear when they sat down at the table. Dad looked confused to see her here. She imagined the look she was giving him was one of pure terror. Questions were swirling in her mind. If her dad was Hydra, why did he let her join S.H.I.E.L.D.? Did he assume she would switch sides during the uprising? Was he angry that she hadn’t? Was that why he had nurtured her love of science? In the hope that she would one day use her knowledge to help Hydra? How had he managed to keep this from her? What awful things had he done in the name of Hydra? She knew she would never get an answer for any of those questions. And she knew they would haunt her for the rest of her life. 

“Jessica, this is John Simmons and Catherine Jefferson.” Alyssa introduced them. “John, Catherine, this is Jessica Moore, our lead scientist. What we accomplished would not have been possible without her.”

“No, I imagine not.” Dad said. “This woman isn’t just a scientist. She’s S.H.I.E.L.D.’s best scientist. And her name isn’t Jessica Moore. Her name is Jemma Simmons. And I think it’s safe to assume she was sent here to destroy your project, is it not?”

He was staring at her. All three of them were. Alyssa and Nicholas looked stunned.

“D-Dad, I-,” she stammered. She didn’t know what to say. 

“Am I wrong, sweetheart?” He questioned.

She started to cry.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy.” She whispered.

Jemma stood up and grabbed the gun she was hiding in her jacket. She fired four shots, one between each pair of eyes that were staring at her in shock. And before she could process what she’d just done, she ran from the restaurant, tears clouding her vision. 

**Melinda’s POV**

_ You know, I used to be on fire _

_ You know, I used to be on fire, fire  _

Melinda was shocked by what she’d just heard go down, and she wasn’t easily surprised. But she didn’t have time to dwell on it. Jemma’s gunshots were her signal, which meant it was time for her to go in. 

She ran inside Turner Labs, breaking through the glass doors. Several Hydra guards came to greet her as the alarms went off, but she easily took them all down. A fight that previously would’ve taken her a few minutes was over in seconds with her new powers. She found the alarm system and destroyed that too, before going downstairs to where the prisoners were being held.There were five people being kept in cells, who would’ve been turned into Hydra soldiers today had the mission failed. But she easily took out their guards and set them free. 

Melinda ran through the building again, checking every room to make sure every guard had been killed and every prisoner had been released. Then, she planted bombs around the facility and blew every trace of the Turners’ experiments to bits. No one else, Hydra or otherwise, would ever be able to do to anyone else what they’d done to her.

She got in her car and drove to the rendezvous point, their apartment. Jemma wasn’t back yet when she arrived, which worried her. But all she could do was hope the younger woman had gotten out. 

After a few minutes, she saw Jemma pull up to the apartment building in a car she must’ve stolen. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Jemma was sobbing when she walked inside, and Melinda hugged her. 

“I’m so sorry.” She told her. 

“How do I live with myself?” Jemma asked. 

Melinda sighed. It had taken her years to come to terms with what happened in Bahrain, and sometimes, she still wasn’t sure she had moved on. She couldn’t even imagine what it would be like if she had to take out her own father. 

“You did what you had to do.” She gave her the only answer she could think of. “You made the tough call.” 

“We killed a lot of people today.”

“But we saved a lot more.” 

She knew that wouldn’t be much comfort to Jemma right now. A part of her would never walk out of that restaurant, just like a part of Melinda never walked out of Bahrain. Experiences like that change people. And they would have to learn to live with those changes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I have more in this series coming soon. Thanks for reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> I'll have the second chapter of this soonish I hope. Judging by how long it took me to write this chapter, I'll probably have another work of this series up first, which is a Philinda fic with some surrealist vibes. I'm also starting a Fitzsimmons fic for nonFitzsimmons shippers (like me), which will be several chapters if it ever gets published. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading! :)


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